Tonight seems to be one of those nights. My demons keep coming back to haunt me. I just had the flashback from hell which set my anxiety and anger into high gear to the point I literally feel sick. I really hate certain people and when I saw their face all of that shit came flooding back they things they did to me. The certain person could have at least warned me in advance but as usual it always comes out of nowhere and catches you completely offguard then leaves you sick to your stomach and the anger. Some days I can kill it other days I can't and that's where I am right now. Trying to work that anger back down. These are the times I hide out away from people. People don't realize how dangerous my anger gets. I hide to keep me safe and keep them safe too. Sounds bad doesn't it? It scares me too. All I can do is work on it and keep trying to be a better person and overcome this.
You still cross my mind sometimes... like when I hear a song like Silver Springs.... it flashes me back like a kladascope of the nearly 2 years we spent together. I can't help but to laugh now. You were right I would find someone.
In the beginning I was so hurt that you could backstab me in the manner you did, not that I didn't deserve some of it, but I realize now it was all a matter of self preservation. You unexpectedly lost me. Because of that, other things came snowballing down. Your life was starting to crumble around you. Of course, so was mine, but I don't think you stopped to think about that. I don't think you stopped to think about how scared I was and the trauma I went through and the aftermath that led up to the end.
By the end, I was angry at the fact you backstabbed me so it became a matter who could hurt who the most. I hurt you, you hurt me, and the vicious cycle continued until we both moved. I hurt you and your family and a certain someone I loved very much. That, I do deeply regret. If I could take anything back, it would have been that. That certain someone didn't deserve the raw end of that deal. The funny thing is we were friends and even to this day I would still help said person even though I know it wouldn't be reciprocated. I also know they were poisoned against me... for that I feel bitter, but what do I really expect? Maybe one day said person will overcome that poison. Maybe they won't. Who knows? All I know is that there were some lines that should have never been crossed and if I had it to do again that would have been completely off limits. I understand and know better now. Unfortunately, my Hot Tub Time Machine is broken at the moment lol
I use to think it was because you hated me and I realize that you do hate me. I also realize that in order to hate me you have to feel something. Isn't it funny how that works? That's the way it was all the way back then to. I know this because I find that I still have that bad taste you left me with. Sometimes, I am able to smile when I think of you, but more times than not I find myself thinking you're the same asshole you always were. That's not exactly true though. You were always wonderful and nice until I screwed up. I let somebody get to me and that was from my inexperience. That would never happen now, but now it doesn't matter. Of course, the incident prior to someone getting to me wouldn't happen now either... you put me through so many things I was not ready to experience and left me out to dry sort of. Well, that's not exactly fair to say either. You didn't leave me but you sure tried scaring the shit out of me and it worked too. I was terrified of you by the end.
I also realize that you have guilt... guilt for the things I ended up going through. You disguised that guilt into hate and it became easier to be angry and hate than it did to deal with it and what you had done. Of course there was some legitimate anger as well as I never disputed I deserved that anger.
You always did have that mean streak... just like that the time you told me that's your problem you think you're part of this family and you're not. I can look back and smirk about it now realizing you would be that mean over a haircut, but it never was about the haircut or me trying to fix it. It was you trying to come to terms with how you felt about me and how you saw me. Just so you know, at the time, I cried for days after you said that. I took it at face value and I still think you meant it at least on some level. Those things, I don't miss at all.
I often think that if given the chance to do it over you would run, but then I think no I don't think so because I was exactly what you needed and wanted at that time. Ironically, you modeled your new wife after me. I only know this because I saw you all one of the times I flew in... I was able to escape to your right without you seeing me... being short has its advantages... I can easily hide from tall people like you. It also helped that I had my hair that you always loved covered so it didn't attract your attention either. See, I did you a favor. Okay that's a lie. I did me the favor. I didn't feel like getting yelled at in public nor did I feel like getting humiliated. You were always so two sided. One side of you was so nice. The other side of you was evil and cruel. Looking back on it now, I think you got traumatic brain injury from getting hit in the head during your football days... BTW, thank you for the great honor of holding your ring. I can say I am one of the few who will ever get to say I had one of those in my hands, but then again I am always one of the few who can say they dated someone like you... so I guess that makes us even; notch on your belt, notch on my belt.
I did find someone and I moved on too. I went through a few more awful things and then things started falling into place. I am not the same person you knew though. Life has changed me drastically. I don't know if life changed you. What I do know is I wish you the best in your life. I found someone, but not someone like you and for me it is over. I haven't thought of you since I saw you in 2008 until I heard Silver Springs the other day which reminded me of you. I never listen to that song anymore. It reminds me of how you use to harass me about listening to it repeatedly. What you didn't know was I was learning the words because I am a fantastic singer and when you weren't around I would belt it out kind of like Adele. I was just never willing to be a starving artist selling my soul in hopes on one day becoming famous.
Fame is something else. Now that I have become somewhat famous, I get that too... Oh so much you don't know and so much you won't know. Life is funny like that isn't it? Things happen for a reason and if you hadn't backstabbed me I wouldn't have this big house or my nice truck or the life I have today. I would have still been in the ville not amounting to shit selling myself short instead of becoming who I became. It's true things happen for a reason. We might not see them at the time, but eventually we will and on that thought I'd just like to throw out there that no time doesn't heal everything and I have the feeling you agree also.
I started out thinking I wonder if X ever thinks of me. That is a stupid question. I know you do sometimes. You get flashbacks just like me that randomly trigger certain memories of me to you just the same as they do me. That's when I sigh and say oh well and push you right out of my mind back into the black abyss... the graveyard of unwanted and forgotten memories.
So long X hopefully it's another 5+ years before I think of you again.... In the meantime here's Silver Springs. For some reason Adele reminds me of you not because for her it isn't over, but because we each found someone and moved on.
