No, Time Does Not Heal Everything....

You still cross my mind sometimes... like when I hear a song like Silver Springs.... it flashes me back like a kladascope of the nearly 2 years we spent together. I can't help but to laugh now. You were right I would find someone. In the beginning I was so hurt that you could backstab me in the manner you did, not that I didn't deserve some of it, but I realize now it was all a matter of self preservation. You unexpectedly lost me. Because of that, other things came snowballing down. Your life was starting to crumble around you. Of course, so was mine, but I don't think you stopped to think about that. I don't think you stopped to think about how scared I was and the trauma I went through and the aftermath that led up to the end. By the end, I was angry at the fact you backstabbed me so it became a matter who could hurt who the most. I hurt you, you hurt me, and the vicious cycle continued until we both moved. I hurt you and your family and a certain someone I loved very much. That, I do deeply regret. If I could take anything back, it would have been that. That certain someone didn't deserve the raw end of that deal. The funny thing is we were friends and even to this day I would still help said person even though I know it wouldn't be reciprocated. I also know they were poisoned against me... for that I feel bitter, but what do I really expect? Maybe one day said person will overcome that poison. Maybe they won't. Who knows? All I know is that there were some lines that should have never been crossed and if I had it to do again that would have been completely off limits. I understand and know better now. Unfortunately, my Hot Tub Time Machine is broken at the moment lol I use to think it was because you hated me and I realize that you do hate me. I also realize that in order to hate me you have to feel something. Isn't it funny how that works? That's the way it was all the way back then to. I know this because I find that I still have that bad taste you left me with. Sometimes, I am able to smile when I think of you, but more times than not I find myself thinking you're the same asshole you always were. That's not exactly true though. You were always wonderful and nice until I screwed up. I let somebody get to me and that was from my inexperience. That would never happen now, but now it doesn't matter. Of course, the incident prior to someone getting to me wouldn't happen now either... you put me through so many things I was not ready to experience and left me out to dry sort of. Well, that's not exactly fair to say either. You didn't leave me but you sure tried scaring the shit out of me and it worked too. I was terrified of you by the end. I also realize that you have guilt... guilt for the things I ended up going through. You disguised that guilt into hate and it became easier to be angry and hate than it did to deal with it and what you had done. Of course there was some legitimate anger as well as I never disputed I deserved that anger. You always did have that mean streak... just like that the time you told me that's your problem you think you're part of this family and you're not. I can look back and smirk about it now realizing you would be that mean over a haircut, but it never was about the haircut or me trying to fix it. It was you trying to come to terms with how you felt about me and how you saw me. Just so you know, at the time, I cried for days after you said that. I took it at face value and I still think you meant it at least on some level. Those things, I don't miss at all. I often think that if given the chance to do it over you would run, but then I think no I don't think so because I was exactly what you needed and wanted at that time. Ironically, you modeled your new wife after me. I only know this because I saw you all one of the times I flew in... I was able to escape to your right without you seeing me... being short has its advantages... I can easily hide from tall people like you. It also helped that I had my hair that you always loved covered so it didn't attract your attention either. See, I did you a favor. Okay that's a lie. I did me the favor. I didn't feel like getting yelled at in public nor did I feel like getting humiliated. You were always so two sided. One side of you was so nice. The other side of you was evil and cruel. Looking back on it now, I think you got traumatic brain injury from getting hit in the head during your football days... BTW, thank you for the great honor of holding your ring. I can say I am one of the few who will ever get to say I had one of those in my hands, but then again I am always one of the few who can say they dated someone like you... so I guess that makes us even; notch on your belt, notch on my belt. I did find someone and I moved on too. I went through a few more awful things and then things started falling into place. I am not the same person you knew though. Life has changed me drastically. I don't know if life changed you. What I do know is I wish you the best in your life. I found someone, but not someone like you and for me it is over. I haven't thought of you since I saw you in 2008 until I heard Silver Springs the other day which reminded me of you. I never listen to that song anymore. It reminds me of how you use to harass me about listening to it repeatedly. What you didn't know was I was learning the words because I am a fantastic singer and when you weren't around I would belt it out kind of like Adele. I was just never willing to be a starving artist selling my soul in hopes on one day becoming famous. Fame is something else. Now that I have become somewhat famous, I get that too... Oh so much you don't know and so much you won't know. Life is funny like that isn't it? Things happen for a reason and if you hadn't backstabbed me I wouldn't have this big house or my nice truck or the life I have today. I would have still been in the ville not amounting to shit selling myself short instead of becoming who I became. It's true things happen for a reason. We might not see them at the time, but eventually we will and on that thought I'd just like to throw out there that no time doesn't heal everything and I have the feeling you agree also. I started out thinking I wonder if X ever thinks of me. That is a stupid question. I know you do sometimes. You get flashbacks just like me that randomly trigger certain memories of me to you just the same as they do me. That's when I sigh and say oh well and push you right out of my mind back into the black abyss... the graveyard of unwanted and forgotten memories. So long X hopefully it's another 5+ years before I think of you again.... In the meantime here's Silver Springs. For some reason Adele reminds me of you not because for her it isn't over, but because we each found someone and moved on.

Perspective ....

For those of you who don't know, I am a United States Marine Corps veteran- and in case you're wondering: NO I would never go back. I have been thinking quite a bit lately about being a veteran and active duty...

As I look back at my time in service, what I gave up was not worth it. I look back now and wondered why I ever gave it up; to fight a war some presidents said were good for us? For all you gung-ho active duty people, spare me the ensuring your freedom speech. I've heard it at least a thousand times before...

I gave up far more than what the officials of the country deserve and at the end of the day, I am expendable to them. Every single person in the military regardless of branch is expendable. Out of everybody though, females are the most expendable. We are treated the worst. It is common knowledge that they (males) don't want us there and they make sure to tell us that we don't belong. They make fun of us for being weak and nasty because we need a shower every 3 days for our feminine hygiene needs. We are weak because we cry sometimes. We are weak because we can't run as fast as the males. The list goes on and on and on...

You may be wondering what is it I gave up? I gave up who I was and everything I loved. I walked away from it all. I am a disabled veteran now. I wasn't weak and I didn't let them break me... not for lack of trying on their part like putting me an 8 month pregnant woman on hard labor as a punishment for something I didn't even do. And yes they do crap like that ALL THE TIME. I could go on and on, but I'll save it for more blogs...

I have had to deal with this and face it all week. I had to sit there and read my SRB so I can give parts to my VSO (Veteran's Service Officer). At the end of the day, the only thing that happens is I wind up a lot more angrier!

Where do I go from angry? I don't want to live in a constant state of anger, but the more I am forced to face this mess, the more it triggers me. People don't understand I have a huge black storm inside me. Some days I can calm it other days there's no chance in hell it will calm! It isn't a matter of if I snap, but rather WHEN. I got away from this lifestyle for a reason and yet here I am being forced back into the lifestyle and the type of people I can't stand. The type of people that I want nothing to do with. I don't care which branch you go to, the males all think alike. They may not say anything the first time, but it wont be long before they do and when they do it will be inappropriate, hateful, spiteful, humiliating, and demoralizing.

Better lock your wives, daughters, and sisters up... they effing everybody up in here....

More to come in a later blog