No, Time Does Not Heal Everything....

You still cross my mind sometimes... like when I hear a song like Silver Springs.... it flashes me back like a kladascope of the nearly 2 years we spent together. I can't help but to laugh now. You were right I would find someone. In the beginning I was so hurt that you could backstab me in the manner you did, not that I didn't deserve some of it, but I realize now it was all a matter of self preservation. You unexpectedly lost me. Because of that, other things came snowballing down. Your life was starting to crumble around you. Of course, so was mine, but I don't think you stopped to think about that. I don't think you stopped to think about how scared I was and the trauma I went through and the aftermath that led up to the end. By the end, I was angry at the fact you backstabbed me so it became a matter who could hurt who the most. I hurt you, you hurt me, and the vicious cycle continued until we both moved. I hurt you and your family and a certain someone I loved very much. That, I do deeply regret. If I could take anything back, it would have been that. That certain someone didn't deserve the raw end of that deal. The funny thing is we were friends and even to this day I would still help said person even though I know it wouldn't be reciprocated. I also know they were poisoned against me... for that I feel bitter, but what do I really expect? Maybe one day said person will overcome that poison. Maybe they won't. Who knows? All I know is that there were some lines that should have never been crossed and if I had it to do again that would have been completely off limits. I understand and know better now. Unfortunately, my Hot Tub Time Machine is broken at the moment lol I use to think it was because you hated me and I realize that you do hate me. I also realize that in order to hate me you have to feel something. Isn't it funny how that works? That's the way it was all the way back then to. I know this because I find that I still have that bad taste you left me with. Sometimes, I am able to smile when I think of you, but more times than not I find myself thinking you're the same asshole you always were. That's not exactly true though. You were always wonderful and nice until I screwed up. I let somebody get to me and that was from my inexperience. That would never happen now, but now it doesn't matter. Of course, the incident prior to someone getting to me wouldn't happen now either... you put me through so many things I was not ready to experience and left me out to dry sort of. Well, that's not exactly fair to say either. You didn't leave me but you sure tried scaring the shit out of me and it worked too. I was terrified of you by the end. I also realize that you have guilt... guilt for the things I ended up going through. You disguised that guilt into hate and it became easier to be angry and hate than it did to deal with it and what you had done. Of course there was some legitimate anger as well as I never disputed I deserved that anger. You always did have that mean streak... just like that the time you told me that's your problem you think you're part of this family and you're not. I can look back and smirk about it now realizing you would be that mean over a haircut, but it never was about the haircut or me trying to fix it. It was you trying to come to terms with how you felt about me and how you saw me. Just so you know, at the time, I cried for days after you said that. I took it at face value and I still think you meant it at least on some level. Those things, I don't miss at all. I often think that if given the chance to do it over you would run, but then I think no I don't think so because I was exactly what you needed and wanted at that time. Ironically, you modeled your new wife after me. I only know this because I saw you all one of the times I flew in... I was able to escape to your right without you seeing me... being short has its advantages... I can easily hide from tall people like you. It also helped that I had my hair that you always loved covered so it didn't attract your attention either. See, I did you a favor. Okay that's a lie. I did me the favor. I didn't feel like getting yelled at in public nor did I feel like getting humiliated. You were always so two sided. One side of you was so nice. The other side of you was evil and cruel. Looking back on it now, I think you got traumatic brain injury from getting hit in the head during your football days... BTW, thank you for the great honor of holding your ring. I can say I am one of the few who will ever get to say I had one of those in my hands, but then again I am always one of the few who can say they dated someone like you... so I guess that makes us even; notch on your belt, notch on my belt. I did find someone and I moved on too. I went through a few more awful things and then things started falling into place. I am not the same person you knew though. Life has changed me drastically. I don't know if life changed you. What I do know is I wish you the best in your life. I found someone, but not someone like you and for me it is over. I haven't thought of you since I saw you in 2008 until I heard Silver Springs the other day which reminded me of you. I never listen to that song anymore. It reminds me of how you use to harass me about listening to it repeatedly. What you didn't know was I was learning the words because I am a fantastic singer and when you weren't around I would belt it out kind of like Adele. I was just never willing to be a starving artist selling my soul in hopes on one day becoming famous. Fame is something else. Now that I have become somewhat famous, I get that too... Oh so much you don't know and so much you won't know. Life is funny like that isn't it? Things happen for a reason and if you hadn't backstabbed me I wouldn't have this big house or my nice truck or the life I have today. I would have still been in the ville not amounting to shit selling myself short instead of becoming who I became. It's true things happen for a reason. We might not see them at the time, but eventually we will and on that thought I'd just like to throw out there that no time doesn't heal everything and I have the feeling you agree also. I started out thinking I wonder if X ever thinks of me. That is a stupid question. I know you do sometimes. You get flashbacks just like me that randomly trigger certain memories of me to you just the same as they do me. That's when I sigh and say oh well and push you right out of my mind back into the black abyss... the graveyard of unwanted and forgotten memories. So long X hopefully it's another 5+ years before I think of you again.... In the meantime here's Silver Springs. For some reason Adele reminds me of you not because for her it isn't over, but because we each found someone and moved on.

Incompetent Treatment

I often wonder why the VA as inadequate services for females. The simple explanation is they are more male than female veterans. But really, that's just a surface answer. If you are a female veteran, like I am, you already have an idea.

In the military culture, females are second class. The point of view is of one that we don't belong or we belong for the sole purpose of supporting the males. I won't get into that particular scenario any further for right now.

Apparently the same philosophy is at the VA as well. Now I have to ask myself why and how? Most of the people at the VA are not actually veterans. Amazing right? So where do they get this idea, this culture carry over? They shouldn't be in the thought process of females not belonging. I understand in my clinic and hospital, cater mainly to males. In my clinic, I am 1 of 6 females versus the hundreds of males they see daily. In that aspect, I get it. However, the point is, why is my treatment and/or care inadequate?

Some males I know can go in and have no problem getting great care. They get scripted narcotics without transferring medical records in. Their word about their pain is automatically taken at face value. When I go in, I have to fight to get them to treat me and believe I really have pain. Why is that?

I am service connected, which means I have a certified disability from the military. This automatically puts me into a higher priority group. Since my disability rating is higher, my priority is higher. Why is it when I call to get in, I can't. However, these same males that I know aren't even service connected and in a lower priority than me and somehow can get in quicker than I can. I really want to know how that works! That's against their own rules, but yet they break them.

At the end of the day, the same discrimination carries over from the military to the VA. I have no answer for why though. All I know is it infuriates me to be treated as a second class citizen. I gave this country and my branch of service, my blood, sweat, and tears literally. I deserve the same respect my male counterparts are automatically given. I shouldn't be forced to take my service connected health issues to a private doctor to receive treatment. If you're service connected, they are required to take care of that health issue. They broke you so they get to fix you.... unless you're the wrong gender. If so, prepare for an uphill battle that will take every trick you know plus some to win!

A reporter that I spoke with sometime ago thought it was huge that females are mistreated. I said well, being as I have lived it many times over, it's not that big of a deal to me. In fact, females expect it. Ask any female active duty or vet and see what they say. It's common knowledge to us. I know there was a time when I just expected that civilians knew this. However, after dealing with the media and civilians, I have realized that the majority of Americans have no clue what the culture in the military is. It doesn't matter which branch you were/are in, the culture is the same. I have sisters from every branch and eras and it is common knowledge and still the same culture. The US Government, who by the way is being sued for the mistreatment of females, says we as females should expect it and then goes on to say (paraphrased here) that we are collateral damage. We are the expendable ones. That is exactly how we are treated.

It makes me angry that I gave part of my life to this country and the government sees me as collateral damage and expendable. I am a human and all humans have basic god given rights. How dare the government think of me as anything less than a human who was hired by them to do a job... not a POS and to be treated as such for being the wrong gender. How dare the VA treat me as a POS, denying care for my service connected disability, allowing non-service connected males to be seen more quickly than me. I earned those benefits. I got hurt in the line of duty only to come home to a VA who has taken the same stance against females as the military.

The civilians have no clue that we are treated this way. I have been thanked more times than I know what to do by civilians men and women alike. That's always followed by what branch were you in and then the jaw dropping. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am really that tough lol Back to the subject at hand though... Americans don't know and them treating me in this manner proves it. The discrimination is military and VA specific.

I am not expendable or collateral damage and I should have to expect mistreatment as part of taking the job. I am a human being. Treat me like one.

Dear VA I Now Prounce You to Fuck Off!

Dear VA,

I hate your fucking guts! I can't believe half the shit you try to do to veterans and I certainly can't believe you hire doctors who hate veterans to treat their medical needs.

You made one really big mistake, You chose me to mess with. I am a fighter and I will always be a fighter. I will never lay down and take anybody's shit. The shit you tried pulling on me... WRONG ANSWER!!!

You don't know who I am or who I know. All you know is that I am a second class stupid BAM or WM, but guess what? You're WRONG.

I will bring you down and make you pay for the bullshit you did. I will change it for every single vet out there. Laugh if you will. Tell me I am nothing. Tell me I can't do it. And guess what will happen? I will be the one laughing as I watch your establishment the way you knew it crumble and burn to the ground.

That's the really funny thing, media loves stories of mistreatment of vets. Congressmen and Senators love it. The FBI loves to investigate it because most of them are vets as well too and since y'all are fed the FBI gets to handle you.

The one lone mistake you made was picking somebody who knows the law and who is well connected.

You have become my personal quest now.

I now pronounce you to fuck off and get ready for the shit storm coming your way. I am....

Insert Witty Headline Here....

I'm sitting here waiting on the meds to kick in... I am so angry I am literally shaking trying to keep my adrenaline in check. It's radiating throughout my body making my heart pound and my muscles tense. The one thing I know about myself is when I get like this I have to hide. If I don't I will end up beating somebody down.

The tears you may ask? Eff the tears! I will never let on that they got through my thick skin. All I got to say say is you are a piece of shit liar! And on that note, I'm leaving it there.

As usual, I will be walking this road alone again. I can see now why hate is so easy to have.

Mommy Is In Time Out!

I have been feverishly working to get my house spotless as we have a very important guest coming tomorrow. My kids won't co-operate nor will my husband nor will my animals co-operate. I feel like I need to kick everybody out of this house until tomorrow!

I would also really like to know why my house smells like piss... I believe it was the cat who was pissed we put her in the basement. Once I figure out where the piss smell is coming from I guess I get to clean that and then I am going to figure out what to do with the cat because she is going bye bye... and yes I really mean that. She's a straight bitch. She claws my furniture and door frames. Now I have found claw marks all in my solid oak brand new wood cabinets. She sometimes feels like going in her litter box. Her fur is constantly flying all over the place- which BTW I am extremely allergic to.

My kids decided to break my desk drawers. My house came with a desk in the kitchen. This desk has drawers. My kids decided it would be a great idea to shove all their crap in and of course it got stuck! So then they said uh oh better get it out to which they somehow ripped the drawer right out of the desk and it appears that they actually broke the rollers. Fantastic... tell me what hardware store is open in small town USA? Yea exactly.

I am having a very hard time controlling my anger today. I want things to go right and I want to get done with my housework, but nothing seems to be going my way which is in turn feeding more into my anger. So I decided perhaps I should take a break and blog it out... otherwise my anger might just boil over and that's when people start getting hurt. I don't want to hurt people nor do I like it... so here's my mommy time out. I guess moms need to go in time out too huh? lol

This is not how I envisioned spending my 4th... But at least there are fireworks tonight!!! Happy 4th everybody. God Bless America and especially the south!!!

Perspective ....

For those of you who don't know, I am a United States Marine Corps veteran- and in case you're wondering: NO I would never go back. I have been thinking quite a bit lately about being a veteran and active duty...

As I look back at my time in service, what I gave up was not worth it. I look back now and wondered why I ever gave it up; to fight a war some presidents said were good for us? For all you gung-ho active duty people, spare me the ensuring your freedom speech. I've heard it at least a thousand times before...

I gave up far more than what the officials of the country deserve and at the end of the day, I am expendable to them. Every single person in the military regardless of branch is expendable. Out of everybody though, females are the most expendable. We are treated the worst. It is common knowledge that they (males) don't want us there and they make sure to tell us that we don't belong. They make fun of us for being weak and nasty because we need a shower every 3 days for our feminine hygiene needs. We are weak because we cry sometimes. We are weak because we can't run as fast as the males. The list goes on and on and on...

You may be wondering what is it I gave up? I gave up who I was and everything I loved. I walked away from it all. I am a disabled veteran now. I wasn't weak and I didn't let them break me... not for lack of trying on their part like putting me an 8 month pregnant woman on hard labor as a punishment for something I didn't even do. And yes they do crap like that ALL THE TIME. I could go on and on, but I'll save it for more blogs...

I have had to deal with this and face it all week. I had to sit there and read my SRB so I can give parts to my VSO (Veteran's Service Officer). At the end of the day, the only thing that happens is I wind up a lot more angrier!

Where do I go from angry? I don't want to live in a constant state of anger, but the more I am forced to face this mess, the more it triggers me. People don't understand I have a huge black storm inside me. Some days I can calm it other days there's no chance in hell it will calm! It isn't a matter of if I snap, but rather WHEN. I got away from this lifestyle for a reason and yet here I am being forced back into the lifestyle and the type of people I can't stand. The type of people that I want nothing to do with. I don't care which branch you go to, the males all think alike. They may not say anything the first time, but it wont be long before they do and when they do it will be inappropriate, hateful, spiteful, humiliating, and demoralizing.

Better lock your wives, daughters, and sisters up... they effing everybody up in here....

More to come in a later blog

Moral Waivers... Really?

I was in the Marine Corps. I sit back and I look at all the people from the Marine Corps and the majority of the time I step back. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. The best way I can describe it is to say it relates closely to hate. It isn't all of them, but it is the majority of them. They are always the same. Even though I am technically one of them; I am not one of them. I am proud I am not one of them.

Here's where ignorant people would say she's downing the military. Here is where I say, you're ignorant and you have no clue about things that really go on in the military. The military is not a place for women. Here's where the feminist will try to jump in my crawl. I still stand by what I said. Until they have been there and experienced it, to me, their opinions don't matter. How can you have an opinion on something that you've never experienced? That would be like saying I like pizza but then admitting you've never eaten pizza.

It isn't that women aren't capable of doing the jobs. It's that at the end of the day men are men. Some men are educated and refined while others are just incapable of turning those instincts off. Some men care, but the vast majority of the men in the military don't care and that's where the problem comes into play. Let's think about this logically for a minute; Why are these men going to be sensitive to women? They are trained to be rough, tough, and trained to be killers. How is one going to be able to flip the switch from killer to sensitive?

The military claims they have a high moral standard, but they don't. Has anyone ever heard of the "moral waiver" or "character waiver"? These waivers allow pretty much anyone to get in. Drug dealers, users, thieves, and even rapists. Please watch this new segment with Katie Couric to see about the "moral waiver" that allows this convicted felons to enter our military.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCV6HSKNeNo

So to women thinking about joining the military, I have one thing to ask... Why? Why would you want to subject yourself to the dangers? You have a better chance of surviving combat than you do surviving the males.