Dear General Joseph Andrews...

Many of you may not realize who General Andrews is... He was the convening authority over General Sinclair's rape court martial.

In case you haven't heard about General Sinclair- he was recently court martialed for raping and inappropriately having sexual contact with subordinates. He entered a plea deal where he plead guilty to the lesser charges in exchange for a 20,000$ fine (which his wife deemed unfair never mind that her husband is a convicted rapist now)& he was "asked" to retire as in here so what if you are a convicted rapist let's still give you full benefits & a full pension too.

Which that ^ brings me to my next point... General Anderson. So, he let Sinclair off with the equivalent to a trip to the principal's office. Then Al-Jazeera America runs an exclusive on General Anderson. Guess what else he's been involved in?!

It has now come to light via audio recording that General Andrews has been retaliating against active duty soldiers for seeking help from civilian advocates who were fighting for the soldiers to get medical discharges instead of failure to adapt discharges. In other words, we know you are entitled to a severance package & a pension, but since we don't like that you didn't just go along with us we are going to make sure to stick it to you.

What General Andrews has done is morally reprehensible. He used his power & authority to enact revenge on soldiers for trying to ensure proper discharges. A severe pattern of misconduct & ethics violations, & conduct unbecoming of an officer.

General Andrews, you have put yourself on our map. I will be speaking with Senator Gillabrand, & Congresswoman Speier about you. It's going to be made public knowledge what all you have done. Don't think for a second you got away with it because you haven't. We are coming for your career next. You are a disgrace to this country & to the military & to the soldiers that are under your command. Thanks for letting your true character come through. Commanders & troops who mistakenly trust you & follow your commands are part of the problem & we will no longer tolerate soldiers like you. Zero tolerance means ZERO... not oh I'm a general I'll exclude myself & my friends from being accountable to the UCMJ & other applicable laws. Your career days are numbered. We do not forget & we do not forgive.

http://america.aljazeera.com/articles/2014/3/24/exclusive-recordingshowsthatarmypunishedsoldierswhoaskedforhelp.html

Congresswoman Jackie Speier Discusses STOP Act & the Significance of General Sinclair's Punishment

Congresswoman Jackie Speier comes forward to speak on General Sinclair. She highlights the exact point I've been making to her for 3 years now... Commanders are not law enforcement nor are they lawyers. They have no investigation experience or training. If you need heart surgery do you go to the foot doctor? Then why would anyone be okay with letting untrained personnel decide violent felonies... let's call it what it is. The really sad part was they were using General Sinclair as an example of how tough & serious they were about "zero tolerance" ... we walked away with a fine.... A fine his wife complained about... do you think she cared that her husband is a convicted rapist now? No she just cared that the fine isn't fair & we need that money. That's the "justice" survivors get... This survivor is lucky she even got to court martial. Oh & I forgot to mention that the asked him to retire as in here have full benefits even if you are a convicted sex offender. That's the uphill battle survivors & advocates fight daily- a system that's designed to force survivors out & reward the violent criminals. 

And just for the record I'm not bashing the military nor am I saying all soldiers marines or squids are rapists because they aren't. I'm simply saying that this is a problem & we need to fix it now. Let's make it a safe environment where people don't have to be afraid of getting raped violated or having things literally shoved up their anal area. 

3 years ago I teamed up with Jackie along with other advocates as well.... and in those 3 years we have moved mountains, (which we never expected) but still it hasn't been enough. Every victory we won there was still the looming issues of why is the commander the legal expert & jury without an ounce of investigation experience. We won't stop until we force that change. It's coming whether they like it or not. Commanders you've now officially been put on notice.

http://www.cnn.com/2014/03/20/opinion/speier-military-prosecution/index.html?c=&page=1

Thoughts and Confessions

I have to be ho nest, I rarely read articles about myself. When they get ready to cover me in the media, I usually avoid watching. I just always expect the responses to be negative just like the Marine Corps was.
A very good friend of mine who is also a very well known advocate told me that I really should read when they cover me. I've been thinking about it and then finally I did it.
I was completely shocked & amazed by article after article. People are genuinely Infuriated by what happened to me and how they treated me. They realize that if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.
The outrage & support has been amazing. I never expected .... never even crossed my mind that complete strangers would hear my story and fight for me. They took my voice and kicked me when I was down but then the public was on my side and it felt like justice was alive again. The morals I thought most had lost were back & for the first time in my life the public's voice had become louder than my commander and every other participant. All the times they put me down the public cried louder and it was in support of me. I am the girl next door. I am the All American kid who is going places that has potential... and it was cut short out of discrimination and gender hate and bias.
I can keep going because people like you support me. They help me prove my point. So to all the reports who helped me, thank you. It has still been a long hard road, but it's been made easier with your verbal support. ♡

Thinking of Joining the Military? Better Read This First....

Yesterday, I was faced with one of those military personnel who said that speaking out about the rape epidemic is the same as bashing the military. Not only that, but then he opened the flood gates of abuses on me name calling and acting like he was better than me just because he was a male. This whole instance got me thinking- what would I say to someone who is thinking of joining? Would they still join if they knew what it really involves? I don't know, but I do know that at least they would be well informed before they made any decisions. So I ask are you thinking of joining the military? Do some research first. Here is some informative articles and documentaries I have compiled that can be a start for you. Also know that if this should happen to you you need to get in touch with a military rape crisis counselor. There are many organizations that take calls 24/7 so Google them and call. Do NOT call the VA Crisis Line. Call the rape crisis counselor who will tell you what steps to take and how to keep a copy of the evidence. There is a very good chance your command will try to have your evidence destroyed. You need that evidence for when you file for disability through the VA. I can't emphasize it enough, call the rape crisis counselor and go to a civilian hospital never ever go on base! http://nation.time.com/2013/05/09/fear-of-reprisal-the-quiet-accomplice-in-the-militarys-sexual-assault-epidemic/ http://america.aljazeera.com/watch/shows/america-tonight/america-tonight-blog/2014/3/20/victims-of-militarysexualassaultappealtohumanrightscommission.html The Invisible War (http://invisiblewarmovie.com/), documentary, June 2012 The academy-award nominated documentary has helped bring the military’s rape crisis to national attention (http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/blog/the-film-that-revolutionized-the-conversation-about-military-rape). Filmmakers interviewed victims and military personnel to reveal the overwhelming obstacles to prosecuting military rape, and how inadequate efforts have been so far to curbing sexual assault. Trauma Sets Female Veterans Adrift Back Home (http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/28/us/female-veterans-face-limbo-in-lives-on-the-street.html), New York Times, February 2013 According to the Pentagon report, 48,100 women (and (http://www.thenation.com/blog/173522/new-study-demands-zero-tolerance-military-sexual-assault)43,700 men) reported (http://www.thenation.com/blog/173522/new-study-demands-zero-tolerance-military-sexual-assault) military sexual trauma last year, which studies say makes them nine times more likely (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15385701) to suffer from PTSD. This two-part New York Times series documents the struggles facing women veterans who’ve suffered from sexual assault, including homelessness and unemployment. The Rape of Petty Officer Blumer (http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/the-rape-of-petty-officer-blumer-20130214?src=longreads), Rolling Stone, February 2013 The story of one naval officer’s rape details the consequences victims face for coming forward — consequences that keep most victims from reporting sexual attacks. After telling her superiors she had been raped, Rebecca Blumer was accused of lying, sexually harassed, denied promotions and ultimately discharged. Rape victims say military labels them 'crazy' (http://www.cnn.com/2012/04/14/health/military-sexual-assaults-personality-disorder), CNN, April 2012 A CNN investigation found another way the military handles rape accusations: labeling victims as emotionally unstable. After reporting a sexual assault, multiple service members were diagnosed with a personality disorder and discharged. Their abuse allegations were ignored. The Enemy Within (http://www.nationaljournal.com/magazine/the-military-s-rape-problem-20120913), National Journal, September 2012 What is it about the military that makes sexual assault so pervasive? The National Journal digs into the policies behind the statistics, and the legal loopholes exploited by sexual predators. Pentagon grapples with sex crimes by military recruiters (http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/pentagon-grapples-with-sex-crimes-by-military-recruiters/2013/05/12/d082ec1c-b97e-11e2-bd07-b6e0e6152528_story.html), Washington Post, May 2013 Active service members aren’t the only ones vulnerable to sexual assault. A recent series of scandals across the country exposed military recruiters accused of sexually abusing young people looking to enlist. Betrayal in the Ranks (http://extras.denverpost.com/justice/tdp_betrayal.pdf), The Denver Post, 2004 The Denver Post spoke with more than 60 victims about their battle for justice, and the psychological trauma that lasted long after their assault. Many felt the military blamed them for their rape, while shielding their attackers from punishment.

Exactly How Much Power Should Commanders Have?

Every appearance I make, people say to me that Commanders need total control for the "good order of the unit". I have to be honest, I really want to ask those people 'what is wrong with you?'! Let's break this down barney style and think about it logically- Commanders have no law enforcement investigation experience. They aren't lawyers. They have absolutely no legal or investigative experience. Why on earth would anyone try to say Commanders should be the judge and jury for a criminal trial? If the person you loved got raped would you want the Commander "investigating" your case? I doubt it. If you need heart surgery, do you go to the foot doctor? What I want to know even more is why Commanders are even fighting to keep the ability to be judge and jury... Doesn't it make more sense to pass this to "Agency X" who does have the experienced investigators? That cuts the Commander off the hook for any disagreements or mess ups. That means s/he can get back to playing golf (unless POTUS is coming around) What kind of example is the brass setting for our junior Marines, Sailors, and Soldiers? They know that this behavior is wrong, but they see their leaders doing it but know they can't speak up either... for the same reason rape survivors can't come forward- retaliation. When is the brass going to get serious and admit they are wrong? No one asked for all of the Commander's power.. just to have felony crimes investigated and treated as what they are- violent crimes.

Changes

I don't write as often as I should or want to any more. I work too much and have too much going on with my family and kids. A lot has changed since I posted last. Overnight I became famous. I went on the cover of Time Magazine, Glamour, CNN & Every major news outlet covered me. I started being in movies and was now considered an expert. Members of Congress and Senate started calling me and next thing I knew I was being asked to testify before Congress. I started traveling the country doing screenings of the movie. All of a sudden the fame became overwhelming. The crazies came out and let me tell you they fixate which makes them rather unnerving- you can't tell their intentions right away or they are just straight up creepy. Either way, you have to constantly people watch, but at the same time the people I met and was able to work with, well honestly, has been absolutely amazing. The connections and bonds made have been wonderful. I was able to take my life experiences and help people. Everywhere I went people wanted to show support and tell me how brave and courageous I was- and my resounding strength. Every one wanted to know how could I overcome my obstacles and find the courage to carry on... I honestly don't know. I picked myself up by the boot straps dusted myself off and went to live another day. I had no idea when I came forward and started a movement with a few others that it would snowball into a huge movement. Little did I know I commanded the power to stop heaven and earth and most importantly the US Government. I set out just to make them hear me instead I started moving mountains. Never let someone tell you that you can't do something. If you care about it enough and you are passionate enough you can make changes. I have always lived by the motto "Be the changes you want to see" - Ghandi I have to be honest, it's not easy and some days it really emotionally draining, but the feeling I get from helping my veterans and clients makes every headache and heartache worth it. I want to leave you with this thought- the only thing evil needs to prevail is for good men to do nothing. Always stand up for what is right even if you are standing alone. Doing the right thing isn't always easy... If it was everyone would do it. Be who you are and never let anyone put you down or tell you that you can't. You can.

Tonight seems to be one of those nights. My demons keep coming back to haunt me. I just had the flashback from hell which set my anxiety and anger into high gear to the point I literally feel sick. I really hate certain people and when I saw their face all of that shit came flooding back they things they did to me. The certain person could have at least warned me in advance but as usual it always comes out of nowhere and catches you completely offguard then leaves you sick to your stomach and the anger. Some days I can kill it other days I can't and that's where I am right now. Trying to work that anger back down. These are the times I hide out away from people. People don't realize how dangerous my anger gets. I hide to keep me safe and keep them safe too. Sounds bad doesn't it? It scares me too. All I can do is work on it and keep trying to be a better person and overcome this.

No, Time Does Not Heal Everything....

You still cross my mind sometimes... like when I hear a song like Silver Springs.... it flashes me back like a kladascope of the nearly 2 years we spent together. I can't help but to laugh now. You were right I would find someone. In the beginning I was so hurt that you could backstab me in the manner you did, not that I didn't deserve some of it, but I realize now it was all a matter of self preservation. You unexpectedly lost me. Because of that, other things came snowballing down. Your life was starting to crumble around you. Of course, so was mine, but I don't think you stopped to think about that. I don't think you stopped to think about how scared I was and the trauma I went through and the aftermath that led up to the end. By the end, I was angry at the fact you backstabbed me so it became a matter who could hurt who the most. I hurt you, you hurt me, and the vicious cycle continued until we both moved. I hurt you and your family and a certain someone I loved very much. That, I do deeply regret. If I could take anything back, it would have been that. That certain someone didn't deserve the raw end of that deal. The funny thing is we were friends and even to this day I would still help said person even though I know it wouldn't be reciprocated. I also know they were poisoned against me... for that I feel bitter, but what do I really expect? Maybe one day said person will overcome that poison. Maybe they won't. Who knows? All I know is that there were some lines that should have never been crossed and if I had it to do again that would have been completely off limits. I understand and know better now. Unfortunately, my Hot Tub Time Machine is broken at the moment lol I use to think it was because you hated me and I realize that you do hate me. I also realize that in order to hate me you have to feel something. Isn't it funny how that works? That's the way it was all the way back then to. I know this because I find that I still have that bad taste you left me with. Sometimes, I am able to smile when I think of you, but more times than not I find myself thinking you're the same asshole you always were. That's not exactly true though. You were always wonderful and nice until I screwed up. I let somebody get to me and that was from my inexperience. That would never happen now, but now it doesn't matter. Of course, the incident prior to someone getting to me wouldn't happen now either... you put me through so many things I was not ready to experience and left me out to dry sort of. Well, that's not exactly fair to say either. You didn't leave me but you sure tried scaring the shit out of me and it worked too. I was terrified of you by the end. I also realize that you have guilt... guilt for the things I ended up going through. You disguised that guilt into hate and it became easier to be angry and hate than it did to deal with it and what you had done. Of course there was some legitimate anger as well as I never disputed I deserved that anger. You always did have that mean streak... just like that the time you told me that's your problem you think you're part of this family and you're not. I can look back and smirk about it now realizing you would be that mean over a haircut, but it never was about the haircut or me trying to fix it. It was you trying to come to terms with how you felt about me and how you saw me. Just so you know, at the time, I cried for days after you said that. I took it at face value and I still think you meant it at least on some level. Those things, I don't miss at all. I often think that if given the chance to do it over you would run, but then I think no I don't think so because I was exactly what you needed and wanted at that time. Ironically, you modeled your new wife after me. I only know this because I saw you all one of the times I flew in... I was able to escape to your right without you seeing me... being short has its advantages... I can easily hide from tall people like you. It also helped that I had my hair that you always loved covered so it didn't attract your attention either. See, I did you a favor. Okay that's a lie. I did me the favor. I didn't feel like getting yelled at in public nor did I feel like getting humiliated. You were always so two sided. One side of you was so nice. The other side of you was evil and cruel. Looking back on it now, I think you got traumatic brain injury from getting hit in the head during your football days... BTW, thank you for the great honor of holding your ring. I can say I am one of the few who will ever get to say I had one of those in my hands, but then again I am always one of the few who can say they dated someone like you... so I guess that makes us even; notch on your belt, notch on my belt. I did find someone and I moved on too. I went through a few more awful things and then things started falling into place. I am not the same person you knew though. Life has changed me drastically. I don't know if life changed you. What I do know is I wish you the best in your life. I found someone, but not someone like you and for me it is over. I haven't thought of you since I saw you in 2008 until I heard Silver Springs the other day which reminded me of you. I never listen to that song anymore. It reminds me of how you use to harass me about listening to it repeatedly. What you didn't know was I was learning the words because I am a fantastic singer and when you weren't around I would belt it out kind of like Adele. I was just never willing to be a starving artist selling my soul in hopes on one day becoming famous. Fame is something else. Now that I have become somewhat famous, I get that too... Oh so much you don't know and so much you won't know. Life is funny like that isn't it? Things happen for a reason and if you hadn't backstabbed me I wouldn't have this big house or my nice truck or the life I have today. I would have still been in the ville not amounting to shit selling myself short instead of becoming who I became. It's true things happen for a reason. We might not see them at the time, but eventually we will and on that thought I'd just like to throw out there that no time doesn't heal everything and I have the feeling you agree also. I started out thinking I wonder if X ever thinks of me. That is a stupid question. I know you do sometimes. You get flashbacks just like me that randomly trigger certain memories of me to you just the same as they do me. That's when I sigh and say oh well and push you right out of my mind back into the black abyss... the graveyard of unwanted and forgotten memories. So long X hopefully it's another 5+ years before I think of you again.... In the meantime here's Silver Springs. For some reason Adele reminds me of you not because for her it isn't over, but because we each found someone and moved on.

Incompetent Treatment

I often wonder why the VA as inadequate services for females. The simple explanation is they are more male than female veterans. But really, that's just a surface answer. If you are a female veteran, like I am, you already have an idea.

In the military culture, females are second class. The point of view is of one that we don't belong or we belong for the sole purpose of supporting the males. I won't get into that particular scenario any further for right now.

Apparently the same philosophy is at the VA as well. Now I have to ask myself why and how? Most of the people at the VA are not actually veterans. Amazing right? So where do they get this idea, this culture carry over? They shouldn't be in the thought process of females not belonging. I understand in my clinic and hospital, cater mainly to males. In my clinic, I am 1 of 6 females versus the hundreds of males they see daily. In that aspect, I get it. However, the point is, why is my treatment and/or care inadequate?

Some males I know can go in and have no problem getting great care. They get scripted narcotics without transferring medical records in. Their word about their pain is automatically taken at face value. When I go in, I have to fight to get them to treat me and believe I really have pain. Why is that?

I am service connected, which means I have a certified disability from the military. This automatically puts me into a higher priority group. Since my disability rating is higher, my priority is higher. Why is it when I call to get in, I can't. However, these same males that I know aren't even service connected and in a lower priority than me and somehow can get in quicker than I can. I really want to know how that works! That's against their own rules, but yet they break them.

At the end of the day, the same discrimination carries over from the military to the VA. I have no answer for why though. All I know is it infuriates me to be treated as a second class citizen. I gave this country and my branch of service, my blood, sweat, and tears literally. I deserve the same respect my male counterparts are automatically given. I shouldn't be forced to take my service connected health issues to a private doctor to receive treatment. If you're service connected, they are required to take care of that health issue. They broke you so they get to fix you.... unless you're the wrong gender. If so, prepare for an uphill battle that will take every trick you know plus some to win!

A reporter that I spoke with sometime ago thought it was huge that females are mistreated. I said well, being as I have lived it many times over, it's not that big of a deal to me. In fact, females expect it. Ask any female active duty or vet and see what they say. It's common knowledge to us. I know there was a time when I just expected that civilians knew this. However, after dealing with the media and civilians, I have realized that the majority of Americans have no clue what the culture in the military is. It doesn't matter which branch you were/are in, the culture is the same. I have sisters from every branch and eras and it is common knowledge and still the same culture. The US Government, who by the way is being sued for the mistreatment of females, says we as females should expect it and then goes on to say (paraphrased here) that we are collateral damage. We are the expendable ones. That is exactly how we are treated.

It makes me angry that I gave part of my life to this country and the government sees me as collateral damage and expendable. I am a human and all humans have basic god given rights. How dare the government think of me as anything less than a human who was hired by them to do a job... not a POS and to be treated as such for being the wrong gender. How dare the VA treat me as a POS, denying care for my service connected disability, allowing non-service connected males to be seen more quickly than me. I earned those benefits. I got hurt in the line of duty only to come home to a VA who has taken the same stance against females as the military.

The civilians have no clue that we are treated this way. I have been thanked more times than I know what to do by civilians men and women alike. That's always followed by what branch were you in and then the jaw dropping. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am really that tough lol Back to the subject at hand though... Americans don't know and them treating me in this manner proves it. The discrimination is military and VA specific.

I am not expendable or collateral damage and I should have to expect mistreatment as part of taking the job. I am a human being. Treat me like one.

Dear VA I Now Prounce You to Fuck Off!

Dear VA,

I hate your fucking guts! I can't believe half the shit you try to do to veterans and I certainly can't believe you hire doctors who hate veterans to treat their medical needs.

You made one really big mistake, You chose me to mess with. I am a fighter and I will always be a fighter. I will never lay down and take anybody's shit. The shit you tried pulling on me... WRONG ANSWER!!!

You don't know who I am or who I know. All you know is that I am a second class stupid BAM or WM, but guess what? You're WRONG.

I will bring you down and make you pay for the bullshit you did. I will change it for every single vet out there. Laugh if you will. Tell me I am nothing. Tell me I can't do it. And guess what will happen? I will be the one laughing as I watch your establishment the way you knew it crumble and burn to the ground.

That's the really funny thing, media loves stories of mistreatment of vets. Congressmen and Senators love it. The FBI loves to investigate it because most of them are vets as well too and since y'all are fed the FBI gets to handle you.

The one lone mistake you made was picking somebody who knows the law and who is well connected.

You have become my personal quest now.

I now pronounce you to fuck off and get ready for the shit storm coming your way. I am....

Insert Witty Headline Here....

I'm sitting here waiting on the meds to kick in... I am so angry I am literally shaking trying to keep my adrenaline in check. It's radiating throughout my body making my heart pound and my muscles tense. The one thing I know about myself is when I get like this I have to hide. If I don't I will end up beating somebody down.

The tears you may ask? Eff the tears! I will never let on that they got through my thick skin. All I got to say say is you are a piece of shit liar! And on that note, I'm leaving it there.

As usual, I will be walking this road alone again. I can see now why hate is so easy to have.

Mommy Is In Time Out!

I have been feverishly working to get my house spotless as we have a very important guest coming tomorrow. My kids won't co-operate nor will my husband nor will my animals co-operate. I feel like I need to kick everybody out of this house until tomorrow!

I would also really like to know why my house smells like piss... I believe it was the cat who was pissed we put her in the basement. Once I figure out where the piss smell is coming from I guess I get to clean that and then I am going to figure out what to do with the cat because she is going bye bye... and yes I really mean that. She's a straight bitch. She claws my furniture and door frames. Now I have found claw marks all in my solid oak brand new wood cabinets. She sometimes feels like going in her litter box. Her fur is constantly flying all over the place- which BTW I am extremely allergic to.

My kids decided to break my desk drawers. My house came with a desk in the kitchen. This desk has drawers. My kids decided it would be a great idea to shove all their crap in and of course it got stuck! So then they said uh oh better get it out to which they somehow ripped the drawer right out of the desk and it appears that they actually broke the rollers. Fantastic... tell me what hardware store is open in small town USA? Yea exactly.

I am having a very hard time controlling my anger today. I want things to go right and I want to get done with my housework, but nothing seems to be going my way which is in turn feeding more into my anger. So I decided perhaps I should take a break and blog it out... otherwise my anger might just boil over and that's when people start getting hurt. I don't want to hurt people nor do I like it... so here's my mommy time out. I guess moms need to go in time out too huh? lol

This is not how I envisioned spending my 4th... But at least there are fireworks tonight!!! Happy 4th everybody. God Bless America and especially the south!!!

Perspective ....

For those of you who don't know, I am a United States Marine Corps veteran- and in case you're wondering: NO I would never go back. I have been thinking quite a bit lately about being a veteran and active duty...

As I look back at my time in service, what I gave up was not worth it. I look back now and wondered why I ever gave it up; to fight a war some presidents said were good for us? For all you gung-ho active duty people, spare me the ensuring your freedom speech. I've heard it at least a thousand times before...

I gave up far more than what the officials of the country deserve and at the end of the day, I am expendable to them. Every single person in the military regardless of branch is expendable. Out of everybody though, females are the most expendable. We are treated the worst. It is common knowledge that they (males) don't want us there and they make sure to tell us that we don't belong. They make fun of us for being weak and nasty because we need a shower every 3 days for our feminine hygiene needs. We are weak because we cry sometimes. We are weak because we can't run as fast as the males. The list goes on and on and on...

You may be wondering what is it I gave up? I gave up who I was and everything I loved. I walked away from it all. I am a disabled veteran now. I wasn't weak and I didn't let them break me... not for lack of trying on their part like putting me an 8 month pregnant woman on hard labor as a punishment for something I didn't even do. And yes they do crap like that ALL THE TIME. I could go on and on, but I'll save it for more blogs...

I have had to deal with this and face it all week. I had to sit there and read my SRB so I can give parts to my VSO (Veteran's Service Officer). At the end of the day, the only thing that happens is I wind up a lot more angrier!

Where do I go from angry? I don't want to live in a constant state of anger, but the more I am forced to face this mess, the more it triggers me. People don't understand I have a huge black storm inside me. Some days I can calm it other days there's no chance in hell it will calm! It isn't a matter of if I snap, but rather WHEN. I got away from this lifestyle for a reason and yet here I am being forced back into the lifestyle and the type of people I can't stand. The type of people that I want nothing to do with. I don't care which branch you go to, the males all think alike. They may not say anything the first time, but it wont be long before they do and when they do it will be inappropriate, hateful, spiteful, humiliating, and demoralizing.

Better lock your wives, daughters, and sisters up... they effing everybody up in here....

More to come in a later blog

Moral Waivers... Really?

I was in the Marine Corps. I sit back and I look at all the people from the Marine Corps and the majority of the time I step back. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. The best way I can describe it is to say it relates closely to hate. It isn't all of them, but it is the majority of them. They are always the same. Even though I am technically one of them; I am not one of them. I am proud I am not one of them.

Here's where ignorant people would say she's downing the military. Here is where I say, you're ignorant and you have no clue about things that really go on in the military. The military is not a place for women. Here's where the feminist will try to jump in my crawl. I still stand by what I said. Until they have been there and experienced it, to me, their opinions don't matter. How can you have an opinion on something that you've never experienced? That would be like saying I like pizza but then admitting you've never eaten pizza.

It isn't that women aren't capable of doing the jobs. It's that at the end of the day men are men. Some men are educated and refined while others are just incapable of turning those instincts off. Some men care, but the vast majority of the men in the military don't care and that's where the problem comes into play. Let's think about this logically for a minute; Why are these men going to be sensitive to women? They are trained to be rough, tough, and trained to be killers. How is one going to be able to flip the switch from killer to sensitive?

The military claims they have a high moral standard, but they don't. Has anyone ever heard of the "moral waiver" or "character waiver"? These waivers allow pretty much anyone to get in. Drug dealers, users, thieves, and even rapists. Please watch this new segment with Katie Couric to see about the "moral waiver" that allows this convicted felons to enter our military.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCV6HSKNeNo

So to women thinking about joining the military, I have one thing to ask... Why? Why would you want to subject yourself to the dangers? You have a better chance of surviving combat than you do surviving the males.

Creepy...

I don't know if you're like me, but I am very skeptical of psychics. I will say this, I believe there are some real ones out there, but I believe the majority of them are fake. Now with that being said, I am going on to my story....

I have a friend who will not be mentioned. She went to go see a psychic recently. The psychic repeatedly asked her if she had a friend by my name. Here's where it gets creepy... My friend never talked about me to said psychic. Said psychic has never met my friend before. My friend obviously was not wearing anything with my name... had no pics of me... and so forth. My name is not a common name. In all my life, and I have lived all over the country, I have only met 3 other people with my name. My name is not common. Okay but that isn't the creepy part... she tells my friend 2 things very specific and detailed that when my friend told me it was all I could do to hold back the tears. I thought OMG how could she know that because I have not told ANYONE what I have been going through. As I have said many times before, I am a very private person and I never reveal personal things about myself... not even to my close friends. But then here is where it gets creepy...She tells my friend places I have lived in my life!!

Here is where my mind starts reeling... is it possible I know her? Is it possible she knows me? Maybe she googled me.... Who is this bitch?!!!

I can come up with no rational explanation. So I broke down and called her... I blocked my number and I said I'd like some info about a reading please. She said I have been waiting for you to call me ****** (Insert my name) Someone on the other side really needs to talk to you. Please send me your birthday and time you were born.

How? How do you explain this to me?!! How is this possible? I am a scientist at heart... how is this possible?!!!

Do You Have This?

So my husband randomly pointed out that I sleep on the wrong side of the bed. I was like no... no I don't. Then he said why do you always have to be closest to the door? He said every place we've ever lived, you have always had to be close by a door.

I had never thought about it at least not conscientiously, but after he mentioned it I realized that is true. Whenever I am in class I have to sit by the door. Whenever I am at home, I have to sleep on the side of the bed that is closer to the door. It doesn't matter which side it is... it just has to be by the door. No matter where I go I always make note of where the doors are and the closest paths of escape to these doors.

So I decided I would google to see what in the world was the root cause of needing to always be close to a door... it turns out there is a thing called agoraphobia... Apparently it has to do with a fear of not being able to escape.

Although I have not gotten to the root of this, I at least know what it is now. I have never thought of myself as having panic issues or anything like that... But according to the DSVM-IV it's classed as a panic disorder.

Is it possible this is a crock of hooey? Do we really need a label? I don't swing into full panic mode if I can't be by a door. It doesn't cause me severe distress, but if given the choice that's what I would prefer. Is it really any different than preferring the color pink over the color purple?

Seriously, if there is anyone out there that knows about this stuff please come enlighten me...

Motives

I always question people's motives. There is always a reason why a person does a thing. Take for example... I really like shopping. But why do I like shopping? Because I have learned to associate it with being happy. I shop because I get something emotionally out of it.

When judging people's motives one always needs to look past the obvious and into the psychological realm. Well, obviously, you would need some psychology background in order to do this, but once you have it it is absolutely amazing! I can sit back and simply watch a person for a few minutes and I can tell you almost anything you need to know. I may not be able to tell you the specifics of their life, but I can tell you what their characteristics are. I can tell you what makes them tick.

I believe that this is the greatest weapon anyone can have. The ability to read a person and know what makes them tick.

Family History

It's been two and a half years since my grandfather passed away. So today I want to switch gears and talk about him.

I never realized as a kid how special he was. I never realized that he had such great moral values, but looking back on his life now I realize that my grandfather was a great man and I am very proud to claim him as MY grandfather.

It started out as a love story. My grandfather met my grandmother and he said it was love at first sight. They "courted" for about a year and then they were married. But shortly after being married my grandfather got drafted into WWII. My grandmother decided to fill her time as a school teacher. She had a great love of children.

Here in itself is another amazing story... He was a combat medic and he survived! I don't know what he was like before he went to war, but I know what he was like after. He was still a people person, but I knew he carried scars in his heart. My grandfather was a hardened man. In military terms we call it bearing...

My grandfather was gone for three years before he could return to his love. Once he returned, they settled bought a house and then several years later they started having kids. They had my mom, my uncle, and my aunt.

One day my paw-paw took my grandmother to the dentist because she had a tooth ache. The dentist lanced it and told her to go on about her business. The problem was, it wasn't a tooth ache at all... It was cancer.

Two years later my grandmother died. In 1961, there was no good cancer regiment. My grandfather took her all over the country to specialists. He even took her to NYC and then he tried to make it fun for her while they were there. He took her to the Statute of Liberty and The Empire State Building. He spent every dime he had trying to save the "love of his life" but in the end it didn't work.

Here in itself is another amazing story.... Back in the late 50's and early 60's it was socially unacceptable for a man to be a single father. If something happened to the mother, the children were always shipped off to the orphanage. It was taboo for a man to raise his children.

After my grandmother died, they came and told him he had to ship his children off to the orphanage and my paw-paw looked at them and said NO!! He refused to do it. He said I will do whatever it takes to my family together. He was always very realistic about it. He said I know it's going to be hard. I know there are going to be changes, but we will make it and that's exactly what he did.

He raised his kids all by himself and he said many times it was not easy. I'm sure many single parents would tell you the same from today's time. I believe that it was harder back then though because it was a social taboo. There weren't a lot of resources for single parents and he had to learn parenting by trial and error... not that all new parents don't do that, but you get the idea.

I know from experience in my own family that when you depend on somebody else's help it is very hard to have to re-adjust into going solo.

Of course, he had issues with his two girls. My mom (since she was the oldest) got put in the mom position. At the age of 12, my mom had to begin cooking breakfast and dinner for the family. In addition to that, she had to start doing the entire family's laundry and basically fulfilling the role the mom would play. I can remember many times, my mom saying, all she wanted to do was go outside and play with all the other kids but instead she had to stay inside and cook or do laundry.

It wasn't fair to my mom, but it had to be done. My paw-paw couldn't do everything. Even to this day, my mom is still kind of the head of the the siblings. They still ask her for advice and comfort.

The point is, we all have choices. In everyday life, we all have choices that will affect us in ways we won't realize until much later in life. In my paw-paw's case, he knew that his choice would affect him immediately, but he didn't know how it would affect the kids until much later.

So I want to give him the credit that is due him. He was a great man. He had a strong moral and value system and he didn't let anyone sway him from them. He didn't care who you were.

On an ending note, I just want to briefly convey one of my very last memories of him... Some of you may or may not know, but I was a US Marine. When you are done with boot camp, the Corps hold a "graduation" for your family. I want every one of you to know, my Paw-Paw was there. He drove hours upon hours just to come see me graduate. For the first time in my life, he told me how proud of me he was. He didn't have to tell me though because I could see it in his eyes. He was beaming with pride. Someone and I don't know who caught a picture of him speaking to me and then breaking into a hug. It is my most cherished picture I have of him now because I can go back and relive the words he said to me and the feelings I had right at the moment.

I love you Paw-Paw!!!

Changing Gears (Explicit Language Warning)

So I am going to change gears here for this blog. I have something that has really been bugging me and I feel like I need to get it off my chest...

How many times in your life have you met a person that refuses to take responsibility for their own actions? It's anybody or anything's fault besides my own. That ideology makes my blood boil! Can I start smacking people yet? GRRR!!! I won't go into details because I tend to be a private person, but I can tell you this... At the end of the day you had a choice and you made it. Whether it was good or bad no one forced you to do anything you didn't want to do.

My next thing is "I didn't know it was wrong." Excuse my language, but BULLSHIT!!! If you didn't know it was wrong why did you go to such great lengths to lie about it? If you didn't know it was wrong, why did you put so much thought into hiding it? Why did you go to so much trouble to keep it a secret? All I can say is the hell you didn't!!!

I have no use for this. None. The first step into being the person you want to be is being able to admit that it was ALL your fault. The second step is to be remorseful. I mean REALLY being sorry... not just some dumb act. I'm hear to tell you people see through the scam. Third, figure out the problem and you tackle that problem head on. You do whatever it takes to fix it and I'm not just talking about doing whatever it takes to make it right between you and the person. I'm talking about having the gumption to feel things you never wanted to feel. Having the gumption to deal with the issue(s) that caused the problems to begin in the first place.

Changing is not easy. No one ever promised a bed of roses... But at the end of the day you either have what it takes or you don't. If you don't then it's time for you to go crawl under a rock and die. Life is all about change. You either adapt and overcome or you die.

I get sick and tired of hearing some people's sad sob stories about why they couldn't make it. I'm hear to tell you yes you can. If you want something bad enough, you'll do whatever it takes. If you want to overcome drugs and alcohol, you do whatever it takes. You dump bad influences... you change your life and the schedule. You stop going places that make you want to do the same things. In other words, you do it because you want that change.

It's time to cut the bullshit. Stop being a damn coward. Stop with the dumb excuses. My patience is gone.

Oh Snap You're Full Of Crap!!

How many of us have had frenemies? All you ladies know what I'm talking about... A frenemy is 1/2 friend and 1/2 enemy. In our daily lives, we all have to deal with unpleasant people. Sometimes, we have to deal with people like this because of our jobs or other requirements.

Here's my philosophy though: Why should I have to deal with someone like this on a constant basis in my personal life? Why should I expose myself to people who will stab me in the back? I understand that concept in the business world. It's my job to stand my ground. It's my job to woo this people, but why should I have to surround myself with people like this in my personal life?

My personal life is just that... personal. I should be able to surround myself with people I trust and feel at ease with. Why must I remain on guard 24/7? That gives me no time at all to enjoy the things I like. It gives me no time to live life.

We spend enough time working. We spend enough time having to be around people that we would really rather not be around. So I have decided that I am done with frenemies in my personal life.

If they aren't someone I can trust then I have no need for them. I am not dishonest or untrustworthy. There are some traits that I despise and won't tolerate them. Like lying... I'm not talking about little white lies like honey does this make my butt look big kind of lie... I'm talking about the kind of lie that says is deceitful or hurtful... like going around telling people a spouse of a friend is cheating on said spouse when there is no evidence to it. These types of lies are unacceptable. I think it really boils down to personal preference and I don't care what the psychologist of the hour has to say about it. It's not good for your health or well being.